Real World Issues: Boundaries

After the "dark years" I realised I needed to rethink boundaries. You see, I'd previously lived in a house that used to be a brothel with a drug dealer and her boyfriend. Basically, not a safe environment. So everything after that felt pretty okay. But when I started coming back to church and rethinking my faith and what it meant to walk in faith, I realised that I need to think about looking different and what it meant to live above reproach. One of the things I thought about was having people, specifically members of the opposite sex, at my house with no one around. Another thing was late night texting and IMing and phone calls. You see, it get s late at night and crazy stuff just starts to happen. "Nothing good ever happens after 2AM" according to How I Met Your Mother. And I kind of noticed after 9PM I started getting tired and thinking thoughts that I wasn't as in control of and guys started saying stuff they might not say before 9PM... confusing stuff... anyway, so I came up with three boundaries.

Boundary One: After 9PM, unless it is a dire emergency, I no longer communicate with members of the opposite sex.

Boundary Two: Members of the opposite sex are not permitted in my house when it's just me and them ever. They may pick me up or drop me off, but they are not to come into the house unless there are other people there or these other people are less then ten minutes away.

Boundary Three: Boundary Two applies to their homes too.

As a girl who lived alone and who had mainly guy friends... this was tough. Especially as most of my friends at this point were not Christian. But for the most part when I said "hey, I know it seems weird, but I just want to be a bit more accountable about stuff and it's part of what I believe" most people were okay with it. I'm not saying they were like 'you're a completely normal person', more like 'you're weird, but you're cool, and I respect your honesty and your boundaries'. There were a couple of misfires, but we got there in the end without any embarrassment.

Then along came the guy-friend who we shall call Bob for anonymity's sake. Bob thought I was ridiculous for having this boundaries. I was living about 2 hours drive away from all my friends at this point and guy friends were happy to come up and hang out with me and then go home without ever setting foot in my house unless someone else was around. But not Bob. Bob thought I was pathetic.
"Do you think I'm going to have sex with you?" "Do you think I want you bad, do you?" "Don't be stupid, it's just coffee." "It's a Sunday and no decent food places are open, let's just get take out and eat at your place, and watch a movie and I promise not to rape you".

I would like to say I was brave and stuck to my guns. But I didn't. He came over for what was the most uncomfortable four hours of my life. I even dragged him out for a short walk just so he wasn't in my house anymore. I felt... invaded. You see, while initially my boundaries were inconvenient and awkward, ultimately they became safe and comforting. They create a safe space for me in my home, they allowed me to be secure in my male friendships without feeling feelings I didn't want to be feeling or being paranoid they were starting to developing feelings for me. And Bob didn't make me feel safe by coming into my house.

Bob is the kind of guy who we fear as Christians when we make boundaries that we feel are good and appropriate. Boundaries are meant to make us feel safe. And we feel like we can't make them because people like Bob will mock us and laugh at us and make us feel small and silly. Which he did. But Bob wasn't a nice guy. Bob is not someone I stayed friends with long after this incident and not someone I missed terribly when we stopped being friends. Bob didn't respect me as a person, let alone as a Christian or a woman. So of course he wasn't going to respect my boundaries, especially when they clashed with what he wanted to do.

Then you've got guys like the one I married. Okay so when we were courting we weren't so great at stopping the text messaging after 9PM. But until we had been dating for almost two months (and we were sure we wouldn't screw up too badly) we did not enter a house alone with no accountability. It drove us mental sometimes, driving around for hours trying to think of a place to go and chill out that wasn't my couch because my flatmate wasn't home. But he respected my boundaries and respected me a lot. He even helped me be strong when I was feeling weak. You've got guys like my great bro-in-Christ, who respected my boundaries even when he didn't fully get them. You've got guys like my secular guy friends who were impressed by my boundaries and really respected me for going 'hey these things don't feel safe so I'm not going to do them, nothing personal'.

I'm not saying my boundaries should be your boundaries. I'm saying you should have boundaries. Boundaries that are healthy and keep you feeling safe and that are in line with your walk with God and the accountability you want. I'm not saying everyone is going to respect your boundaries. I'm saying the people worth your time will. I know that sounds like a 'stupid adult' thing to say, the adult who obviously can't remember being a teenager. But I promise I do remember high school and it was awful and no, I still have no idea why people like Bob end up being the popular kids while the geeks are beyond uncool. But honestly? You have to ask yourself the question of whether or not you want to look back and go 'hey, I was authentically me my whole life and I developed friendships with the kind of people that I actually liked and who actually liked me' or 'I like to refer to high school as the 'dark years' and distance myself from all the stuff I did for attention for those four wasted years of my life'. And boundaries do play a big part in that.

TL:DR: Boundaries are good and you should have them. People that laugh at them are not cool and don't respect you. People that go 'hey I respect that' are awesome and you should keep those people around. 










God Bless and Rock On!
Sarai